Choose this day whom you will serve; thoughts on wanting to serve myself

¹⁵ But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” -Jushua 24:15

Can I just be honest a minute?

Serving the Lord today seems undesirable to me.

I'm tired of summer. I know I am not supposed to say it. I am supposed to be thankful for the time with my kids. I am supposed to be like those moms who grieve the school year, because they can't spend their days with their children.

But today, that's not me.

It's 9:33am, and so far Polly already peed on my bed (potty training). Evie tried to bite Zoya and when I took her and cupped her face in my hands and gently said "no," she reached out and scratched me on the chin. Elaina woke up raring to go: "When we are going to the store? What we are buying for the trip? What will our day look like?" I am struggling with sadness, and as I write this they are all in the playroom, and a fight is starting to brew.

I know enough about God to understand that he wants me to do well with what he has put in front of me to do. Today, my agenda includes caring for the kids, picking up around the house, and packing for our trip to the cottage next week. None of this is insurmountable. It's all very hum drum, normal, every day life, really.

But I don't want to do it.

I'm tired.

I just want school to start.

Choose this day whom you will serve...

I have a choice. I can choose to serve myself and attempt to shoo the kids away from me like flies all day long. Or I can take a deep breath and stop and say a prayer. I can ask God to help me not to get overwhelmed, to be diligent in potty training and to think of other ways to appease Evie's rage (biting, scratching, lashing out).

Even If I want to go back to bed, I can still choose the right thing.

Today I can choose to serve God by serving my family.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Zoya update

Zoya, 9 years old

I've decided that a good analogy for a nine year old girl is the board game Risk. Let me explain...

For six weeks of the summer, Zoya is going to a day camp where she gets to swim and do crafts and go on field trips.

Every day she battles mean girls and mosquitoes. Some days she conquers small worlds of kid clicks and places her signet ring stamp on new territories, marking parts of the park like the terrain of a giant Risk board. Other days, she chooses to sit quietly to the side and eat a small bag of Doritos instead.

I love this about my daughter. She has boundaries.

Growing up is difficult. I worry about my girls. "Mom, she doesn't like me!" "Mom, that boy said I have chicken legs." "She told the other girls not to talk to me."

So far, though, Zoya is maturing with ease. She's a kid with imagination and boundaries. If a few girls are fighting around her, she simply removes herself. I didn't figure out how to navigate hard situations like that til' at least my late twenties.

If you were to meet Zoya for the first time, you may find her quiet. Her heart seems to wear a hard hat. But don't worry. It pumps steadily underneath its protective cover. It pumps compassion and street smarts. It pumps adventure and loyalty.

When we switched around rooms upstairs, Zoya got her own room and was able to pick a few new decorations to make it distinctly Zo. She chose a travel theme, and has a picture of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, a constellations map, and stickers showcasing New York City and London. She has taped a piece of paper onto the wall, a list of ten places in the world she wants to visit when she grows up. A few places noted: Madagascar, The North Pole, Australia.

"Mom, don't tell Papa I asked you because I already talked to him about this three times and he said that I need to stop asking, that we would wait and see, but, will you buy me a ticket to Paris when I graduate from high school?"

Zoya is growing in her relationship with God. Almost every night we, as a family, read a passage from the Bible and talk about it. We say a few prayers. Zoya's comprehension of the stories has really grown. Last year around this time, we'd have to remind her to pay attention and quiz her afterword to ensure she wasn't busy focusing on something else (like a piece of string) during our family time. But this year, after the story is read, she provides great summaries. She answers questions in light of Jesus.

Zoya is not the nine year old poster child. She's a tad lazy, and will quietly get out of chores by slipping up to her room to read or make packing lists for future adventures. If there is only one Popsicle left in the freezer, she'd take it for herself in a second. But I am having a great time parenting her. I learn about resilience and quiet contentment from Zoya. She teaches me that I have the power to simply remove myself from hard places. And my imagination has grown by leaps and bounds from her proximity.