In an effort to build a platform for the book I am writing and to encourage an open dialogue for moms about special needs, this fall I will start speaking at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups in three States: Illinois, Indiana and Michigan.
I am in the process of preparing talks that revolve around special needs.
1) Unexpected Beauty (our family's story based on my book)
2) Loss and Grief in Motherhood (focusing on having a child with a disability and miscarriage)
3) Us and Them: How to help our kids be good friends to individuals with special needs by being good friends ourselves.
Do me a favor, answer my questions:
1. Do you have a child with a disability? How do your friends with typically developing kids encourage you in your parenting?
2. How do mothers in your circle of interaction hurt you by their insensitivity to your parenting challenges?
3. How do you teach your kids to be a good friend?
4. If you grieved the loss of a child through miscarriage, how long was your grief process?
1. Do you have a child with a disability? How do your friends with typically developing kids encourage you in your parenting?
ReplyDeleteYes, my oldest son has Autism & ODD. My friends attempt to encourage me by just listening and being my friend.
2. How do mothers in your circle of interaction hurt you by their insensitivity to your parenting challenges?
They dismiss it- saying things like "oh he's not that bad" or "my kid does that too". Also by giving me unwanted advice.
3. How do you teach your kids to be a good friend?
We talk about it tons in our family, how to accept people for who they are, how to be nice even when you don't feel like it, etc. We set up "relationship rules" for my son with Autism (aka- don't hit) and we encourage grace and acceptance with my two younger kiddos.
4. If you grieved the loss of a child through miscarriage, how long was your grief process?
I had 4 miscarriages and the process was different for each one. With my first and second I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was already miscarrying. Those were easier to let go because I hadn't had that exciting "yay I'm pregnant" moment yet. Physically it still sucked though. My third and fourth miscarriages were more difficult but made slightly easier by the fact that I already had 2 children. I think the grief process lasted several months for each. The worst one was my 4th- I was 11 weeks pregnant and had time to be excited etc.. The miscarriage was especially painful and people were especially insensitive. I never wanted to get pregnant again because I just didn't want to endure miscarriage again. God had other plans and my surprise pregnancy happened. I wept from fear and stayed scared for a long time. I didn't miscarry. But I did get my tubes tied right after my daughter was born because I just didn't think I could do more miscarriages etc.. I was worn out.
Hi Gillian. I'm so glad you're doing this. The moms in attendance at the MOPS meetings will be in for a real treat!!
ReplyDeleteI'll answer what I can based on my experience parenting Emlyn...
And now that I've written them, I feel like they're almost contradictory LOL.
1. Emlyn (as you know) has DS, and all the developmental delay and a few of the medical issues that go along for the ride. My friends who have typically developing kids are great for reminding me how much of E's behavior IS typical - from the tantrums to the lack of listening. Often I feel like I'm quick to assume E's behavior is just b/c of her delays, or frustration - and some of it is. But a lot of it is just b/c she's 4!! She's our only kid, so I need the reminder of that often, and I appreciate it so much.
2. Sometimes I get upset by comments made by other moms, family members, or well meaning friends who try to downplay some of the issues we do face with Emlyn. They see a little girl who is very capable and healthy and, in their words, "seems fine." Well she IS! But it's a lot of work, as you know, to get her to be where she is, to be vigilant for health problems, and to also just let her be a kid. And while I want her to be included in school and with friends, the fact is she does have extra stuff to deal with, and there are health issues we stay on top of, and the constant battle with school issues, and I feel like all that effort we put into it gets kind of blown off - mostly by family actually. LIke there's no understanding of why I'm sometimes exhausted emotionally and physically. Really? That's annoying LOL
3. We're trying to teach E all the fundamentals of being a good friend but a lot of it now is still about being gentle, not hugging EVERYONE (working on shaking hands), saying sorry if we hurt someone, and playing nicely. "normal" stuff. What's nice is that she doesn't see the differences in kids - she just sees kids. That's awesome. I'm noticing her classmates are starting to notice more and more what E's differences are, and some friends' kids have asked about her speech issues and such. But I like that E just doesn't see that!
Thanks for the vent LOL :)