My blog is like my life. I tend to get overwhelmed and retreat.
When Sergei and I were first married he gently explained to me that the behavior of hiding away in life when I feel hurt or depressed is not necessarily healthy. I've struggled with depression for as long as I remember. But its not until I had kids and was diagnosed with postpartum depression did I realize there was a name for it. I just thought I was defective. Other people were usually happy. I usually was not.
My baseline attitude generally starts out less like Tigger and more like Eeyore.
With help through the years, sometimes counseling and medication, sometimes eating right and exercising, always prayer and reading the Bible, I've managed. Now, on most days I'm well. Actually, I've come to see my struggles as a blessing. I am forced to trust God. I am lured to think deeply.
Lately writing has been the source of my exhaustion and drudgery. As I work on my memoir, KRASATA, I'm reliving everything that happened four and a half years ago when Polly was born in Ukraine with Down syndrome. Not only that, but God is taking me back through my life. I am walking the streets of the small town I grew up in in. I am remembering the way my mom smelled when she came home from work late at night when I was little. I remember how I felt seeing a person for the first time with a disability.
My life story is being reworked. It's weaving into a new picture. And I am a spectator waiting to see if it's pretty when it's finished.
My work causes introspection and less vigor to blog and more of a desire to get this story down on paper. I am thoroughly enjoying myself to be sure. But it's exhausting too.
Please be patient Pocket Lint readers. If, indeed, any of you are left :).
For now, I think I'll hang out in this funk.
My life - it's got to be funky.
When Sergei and I were first married he gently explained to me that the behavior of hiding away in life when I feel hurt or depressed is not necessarily healthy. I've struggled with depression for as long as I remember. But its not until I had kids and was diagnosed with postpartum depression did I realize there was a name for it. I just thought I was defective. Other people were usually happy. I usually was not.
My baseline attitude generally starts out less like Tigger and more like Eeyore.
With help through the years, sometimes counseling and medication, sometimes eating right and exercising, always prayer and reading the Bible, I've managed. Now, on most days I'm well. Actually, I've come to see my struggles as a blessing. I am forced to trust God. I am lured to think deeply.
Lately writing has been the source of my exhaustion and drudgery. As I work on my memoir, KRASATA, I'm reliving everything that happened four and a half years ago when Polly was born in Ukraine with Down syndrome. Not only that, but God is taking me back through my life. I am walking the streets of the small town I grew up in in. I am remembering the way my mom smelled when she came home from work late at night when I was little. I remember how I felt seeing a person for the first time with a disability.
My life story is being reworked. It's weaving into a new picture. And I am a spectator waiting to see if it's pretty when it's finished.
My work causes introspection and less vigor to blog and more of a desire to get this story down on paper. I am thoroughly enjoying myself to be sure. But it's exhausting too.
Please be patient Pocket Lint readers. If, indeed, any of you are left :).
For now, I think I'll hang out in this funk.
My life - it's got to be funky.
I subscribe on Google reader, so even though I don't come by everyday, I still know when you have written. I'm not so regular either and I think a lot of it is like you said, sometimes I just retreat.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you in your overcoming! It's okay to struggle.....all of us do, but not all in the same areas. Our dysfunction makes us 'normal' and our weakness makes God more evident/strong in our lives.
You should come hang out with your friends more. ;)
love it.
ReplyDeleteDear Gillian, I could have written that first part of your post about myself. Thanks for sharing and helping me see that I am not alone. I know God will use my "suffering" to help me turn to him, but it is still so very hard, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteFrom one Eeyore to another.... :)
I love reading your blog. Love the way you put your thoughts, feelings and experiences into words. The tapestry you weave when writing is beautiful. So, no worries. I'm here when you are. I'll stick around. ;)
ReplyDeleteLove you, Gillian.
ReplyDeleteHang out in your funk, dive deep into your writing. We'll be here when you're ready to post.
ReplyDeletehugs girl!! i know your journey is going to fab!!!
ReplyDeleteThere's plenty of us hangin' out in the "Funk"!
ReplyDeleteSome days there's more of us than others... but you can rest assured, you're never alone here! :)
I'm still here and still reading! Love you!
ReplyDelete